Money is the number one cause of divorce. There is at least one study that backs up this claim, which found out that “Couples who reported disagreeing about finance once a week were over 30 percent more likely to get divorced than couples who reported disagreeing about finances a few times a month.”
For sure, money issues are one of the major reasons for marital conflicts. But why do couples fight over finances? There are many reasons, but we can boil them down to what we like call the “5 P’s of Money Problems.”
The 1st P: Personalities
The most common cause of disagreements couples have over their finances is that they have different money personalities. While opposites do attract, when it comes money personalities, differences more often repel instead of attract. You’re just not compatible.
When does this happen? Well, if you’re a saver and your spouse is a spender, you’re bound to disagree over where to spend. If you don’t like taking risks and your spouse is a natural gambler, you’re going to fight about what to invest in. If you’re a miser and your spouse is a giver, you’re sure to bicker about how much to give.
The 2nd P: Priorities
Another typical reason for financial fights for couples is different priorities. You just have different goals at this particular stage of your life. For you, maybe saving for retirement is more important. But for your spouse spending on fun family vacations is more important. This priority is not necessarily wrong, just different.
However, a bigger problem is if your spouse prioritizes spending on himself, his friends, or his relatives (or for that matter, herself, her friends, or her relatives) over you and your children.
The 3rd P: Power
Money becomes a tool for power play in a marriage. That happens when one of you is earning more, a lot more, than the other. Maybe you’re a stay-at-home mom and your husband withholds money from you, giving you an allowance as he sees fit, while he spends money like he’s still single. Then later on, out of fear or revenge, you start secretly spending or hiding expenses from him.
Perhaps your wife is much more successful in her career while you’re making much less. And she feels entitled to buy whatever she wants. Worse, you resent her so much while she feels so guilty about this situation that you start bossing her around to cover your insecurities.
The 4th P: Pride
Let’s face it: we will have differences in how we view and handle our finances. But these problems can be resolved only if are open to understanding one another and learning to compromise. Unfortunately, our pride gets in the way and we refuse to discuss money problems, much more meet halfway.
When we don’t listen and we always think we’re right, that’s pride. If we quickly judge our spouse’s motives and actions, that’s pride. If we easily blame one another for financial mistakes, that’s pride. If we monopolize the management of our finances because we can’t trust our spouse’s abilities, that’s pride.
The 5th P: Poor Skills
Sometimes we get into fights over money because of lack of financial knowledge or skills. Say you assigned your wife to handle the budget and pay the bills, but your household expenses always go overboard and your bills are paid late. So she’s not very organized.
Or maybe your husband takes it upon himself to invest your excess cash but he’s not an experienced investor. So he puts them in a business or investment that turns sour.
As you can see, couples fight not really about money per se, but about what money means to them. Sometimes the reason is as simple as financial abilities. Or the problem is not just our money issues but also how we deal with them.
In our case, we are blessed that we share the same priorities and generally have the same money personality. But early on, we had to deal with some power and pride issues (we’ll share the juicy details in future posts!). And while we think we’re financially savvy, we do have our own areas of improvement when it comes to skills.
Now start thinking about the times you and your spouse dealt with financial problems. Try to remember what caused them, how you felt, and what you did (or did not do) to resolve them. Then see which “P” they fall in. This should help you get started in working on your money issues as a couple.
Photo by Daniel Drewniak on Unsplash
