Keeping money secrets from your spouse is more common than we think. In a widespread survey by TODAY.com and SELF magazine on Financial Infidelity, it turns out that 37 percent of men and 56 percent women have lied to their money about money. Why? More than a third said it’s because they disagree about where to spend it. Yet 70 percent believe financial honesty is just as important as being monogamous.
Some experts think there are situations when it’s actually prudent to hide money from your spouse. But except for these extreme situations, it’s better to work on this problem together as a couple.
Now what do you do when you catch your spouse cheating on you financially, whether it’s hiding expenses and debt or income and assets?
No. 1: Keep calm and ask for the facts
Find out the details first before you start attacking your spouse. What happened? How much? For how long? Since when? What else? How was it done? And then most importantly: Why? Getting all the facts — and the motivation — will give you better context on the problem. It may be a minor infringement or it could be something far worse.
No. 2: Thresh things out
Go on, lay it all on the table — your resentment and hurts, the negative consequences to your family’s finances, the adverse impact on your relationship. Of course, the intensity of your discussion should be proportional to the degree of the crime. If it’s a small financial fib like lying about the actual price of a new bag that’s a small dent on the budget, you shouldn’t be screaming your lungs out. But if it’s a recurring financial secret that seriously threatens your finances and your relationship, it’s understandable if you go ballistic. However, it’s important to listen as much as to talk.
No. 3: Forgive
This is the hardest part. Just as it is extremely difficult to forgive a sexually cheating spouse, it would also be a huge challenge to learn to forgive and trust your financially cheating partner. This may take time, but eventually, you have to. And if you’re a person of faith, this is where lots of prayers and support from your church group will help a lot. Now if you’re the one who caused the problem, you have to admit your fault and beg for forgiveness.
No. 4: Work out a plan
You have to lay down the parameters for your partner. If it means cutting off access to a credit card or ATM card, so be it. If it means demanding that he finds a second source of income or sell off some his personal assets to pay off a debt he incurred, let him do it. Now, if you had contributed to the problem, like withholding funds or not involving your spouse in financial decisions, make personal changes, like giving yourselves equal allowances or scheduling regular budget meetings.
No. 5: Work on your relationship
More often than not, the real problem is not money but your marriage. Your spouse may have hidden expenses from you because you’re a dictator who dispenses a pittance here and there. Or he may have made investment decisions on his own because you were not interested or supportive in the first place. Resolve to work on your relationship to rebuild your trust. Learn to become real partners in all things, including financial matters.
Photo by Nik MacMillan on Unsplash
