Keeping up With the Kardashians (and Joneses)

Are you a comparison junkie? I was.

For years, I had the habit of comparing my income, net worth, and career with others. And with others, I mean everyone, including:

• my siblings
• my in-laws
• my dad (when he was my age)
• my classmates in college
• my classmates in high school
• my co-workers
• my former co-workers
• my colleagues in other companies
• my business partners
• my business competitors
• my neighbors
• celebrities in my age group
• politicians in my age group
• entrepreneurs in my age group
• writers in my age group
• the average household in the U.S.
• everyone else in the world (I’m in the top 0.91%  richest people in the world!)

Crazy? It turns out that I’m not alone. It’s basic to human nature to compare ourselves to others. It’s called social comparison theory. It’s not inherently wrong because this is actually a survival skill. Psychology Today says, “When you see someone else get a nod from the boss, or a better seat, or a lover with a smaller waist, a little cortisol may be triggered.” Even animals do this.

It certainly doesn’t help when we’re bombarded by the media with images and stories of rich and famous people, many of whom have become rich and famous just for their reality TV shows (like the Kardashians).

And social media, particularly Facebook and Instagram, has made it too easy to compare ourselves with the seemingly perfect lives of our friends and relatives who post status updates and photos of their travel destinations, food trips, expensive gadgets, fun parties, job promotions, and stock performance (guilty as charged!).

A study by personal loans provider savviloans.co.uk shows that “more than half of 16-24-year-olds constantly compare their themselves to friends on Facebook” while a “third of social media users between the ages of 25 and 44 admit they do it too.” It adds that almost 30% of people say they feel envious of friends, family members, colleagues and neighbors who have more than them, over 40% say they don’t like to think they’re missing out, while one in seven say they feel stressed about trying to keep up with others. Facebook, in other words, is making us miserable.

The problem is that comparing ourselves to others makes us unhappy. The same thing happens when we compare our income with that of our peers — we become miserable. A study from the Paris School of Economics shows that “the greater the importance people attached to such comparisons, the lower they ranked themselves on measures of satisfaction with life and standard of living, as well as on feeling depressed.”

Some call this status anxiety, or what we know as “keeping up with the Joneses.” It’s not so much our income as our relative income that makes us happy or unhappy. You may be happy that you’re earning quite well…until you find out that your brother-in-law or high school best friend earns a lot more than you. There’s also another word for this: envy.

The Bible says this about envy:

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple. – Job 5:2

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. – Proverbs 14:30

And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. – Ecclesiastes 4:4

Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. – Galatians 5:26

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. – James 3:16

Psychology Today lists the dangers of envy:

• “…the chronically envious may get into a pattern of misinterpreting social comparison information. Like vigilantes, they are constantly scanning for evidence that they do not measure up.”
• “And envy is ultimately isolating. Envy impairs your ability to maintain close relationships, which happen to be the best refuge from a status-obsessed society…”
• “Because envy is a direct threat to self-esteem, we often twist it into something more palatable, and decide to denigrate the quality (or person) we envy.”

Since relative income has more impact on our happiness, some experts suggest comparing yourself with your peers who are not doing as well as we do. You will feel better about your income, they say.

The problem with this is that it develops pride, and that’s not a good thing. Besides, can you really avoid comparing yourself with more successful people when they’re all around you?

So what can we do to avoid getting envious of others?

1. Be content. One of the secrets to happiness is contentment. Being content is being satisfied with what you have mentally and emotionally. When it comes to personal finances, it’s appreciating that we actually have more than enough. This doesn’t stop us from doing more to improve our financial well-being but it should stop us from constant craving.
2. Be thankful. Here’s another ingredient of happiness. Gratitude is another way of saying “Count your blessings.” So instead of complaining that you’re not as successful as some of your college chums, be thankful for what you have. And this includes your income, assets, career, and things that are even more important — your family, health, and protection.
3. Be happy for others. Instead of being envious of other people, especially those that achieved their success fair and square, why not just be happy for them? As for those who succeed the wrong way? Stop thinking about them! It may not be fair but someday, they will be made accountable.
4. Be motivated. A little comparison can actually help motivate you to try harder. So rather than complain about your lot or badmouth others, why not resolve to work harder if you’ve been slacking? If there is something good you can learn from someone more successful than you, emulate them.
5. Focus on your own progress. If you always find yourself comparing, it’s time to stop. Instead of looking outside for validation, look within. If you’re progressing on your own career and financial journey, you should feel good about yourself and be thankful for your blessings.

It took me years to get out of the comparison trap. While I still find myself occasionally comparing myself to others, I’ve long gotten over my obsession and have become more content and thankful for what I have. I’m still motivated and driven, but I’ve learned to differentiate my self-worth from my net worth.

Photo by Campbell Boulanger on Unsplash