Let’s face it: you will fight over money. Even if you have the same goals, same money personalities, same priorities, same values, and same everything, you will one way or another fight about financial issues.
In our case, one of us sometimes forgets to pay the bills on time. The other one, however, is too quick to settle payables, only to find out there was an overpayment.
So what do you when these financial flareups happen?
If it’s your fault
First: ‘Fess up
Look, sooner or later you will be found out, so you might as well as confess to the deed. Otherwise, if it’s your partner confronts you before you have the chance of confessing first, swallow your pride and admit your mistake. The last thing you should do is to defend yourself or justify your actions. Often, your spouse just wants you to recognize your fault and take responsibility, not make excuses.
Second: Time it right
If you’re not yet outed, just don’t do make your confession out of the blue. It’s all about the timing. Don’t do this when your spouse is already not in the mood. You’ll just make it worse. But — unless it’s a minor infringement — also don’t do it when pure joy is in the air.
So when? Well, for us, it’s when we’re both in a good mood and discussing something important, like business matters. It would be a good time to segue into some bad news. And it kinda helps when you warn your partner first: “I have something important to tell you, and you will not like it. But please listen first…”
Third: Apologize — profusely
If you made a big boo-boo, be prepared to take how your spouse will respond. It might be nasty. Remember that money issues are emotional issues. So often, your spouse may just snap. But be willing to let him or her scream, yell, whatever. Acknowledge that he or she has every right to be angry. It’s your fault. Whether you came forward to confess or you’ve been found out, admit you made a mistake and apologize.
And not just any apology. Be remorseful. Be really sorry. Beat yourself up sorry. Of course, it all depends on how bad the situation is. If you got a late payment fee, and it’s just your second or third infraction, don’t tear your clothes and put ashes on your head. Just show your partner you’re disappointed at yourself and feel bad for letting him or her down. But if you gambled — and lost — your retirement fund, go ahead and tear your clothes and put ashes on your head.
Fourth: Do something
When things calm down — which could be after a couple of hours or a couple of days — tell your spouse what you intend to do to fix the problem. Explain also what you will never do again to make sure you don’t commit the same mistake. Make sure you think things through before you lay down your action plan. Otherwise, you might end up angering your partner even more if you give stupid suggestions.
Then actually do something. If you’ve lost money, find ways to earn more. If you’ve gotten yourself deep into debt, do everything you can to pay it off. Take the brunt of the sacrifice, even though you’ve possibly already placed your family’s financial situation in trouble.
If it’s your spouse’s fault
First: Keep calm
Okay, this is easier said than done. But if your spouse approaches you with sincere humility and remorse, don’t be so hard on him or her. Before you start calling names, find out what happened. Give your partner a chance to explain himself or herself. And listen.
So how do you keep calm when your spouse springs you an ugly surprise, like a six-figure credit card debt? Admittedly it’s hard. If you need to, walk away, burn off your anger until you regain your composure. Then come back and — firmly but calmly — ask questions.
Second: Avoid the blame game
If this is the fourth, fifth, or nth time your partner committed the same or similar money mistake, it’s too easy to blame him or her. This is where you find out about the 5 P’s of Money Problems. Instead of blaming, try to understand.
If you have never discussed these, this is the time to do it. If you have, take this opportunity to extend extra understanding and grace to your erring spouse.
Third: Forgive
Look no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Unless your spouse intentionally or maliciously caused your financial problems, try to understand and accept that he or she is only too human — just like you. If your spouse is really sorry for what he or she did, be ready to forgive, no matter how severe the consequences of the mistake.
It might take longer to do this if the problem is severe, but you have to forgive.
Fourth: Work together
This is the time your spouse needs your help the most. Remember your spouse probably hates himself or herself and is willing to do anything to fix the problem. Like it or not, his or her problem makes it your problem, however unfair that may be. That’s what “for richer or poorer” means after all.
You are in this together. So come out with a plan with your spouse on how you can dig yourselves out of the hole. Your spouse will love you even more. And ironically, you may even grow to love your erring partner even more as well.
Photo by Uroš Jovičić on Unsplash
